Hey Lis –
I have had a very hard time without you over the last couple months, and I have been trying to come to terms with your departure from this world. My brain tries so hard to understand – and I think it is getting close - but my heart cannot understand and I fear that it never will. My search for some sort of closure has been a long and painful one, but in my search for closure I have learned so much about you. I have learned that you were an amazing woman, so full of energy and enthusiasm and in constant search of true freedom to live your life as you chose. You loved to laugh and dance, at the clubs in Spain, in your living room or in the grocery store. You were a world traveler – you loved children – and you loved your independence. You were a tireless worker in constant search of knowledge and you were a perfectionist in all that you did. You were a beautiful girl inside and out and a true friend to those that were closest to you. But to my surprise what I learned the most is how important you were to me as my sister. That probably doesn’t make any sense to you so let me explain.
When I look back, I realize that I only knew life with a sister. I was born with a sister and I never realized until now how empty my life would be without one. You were my big sis. You were my guardian, you always had my back and you always had to put up with having a spastic little sister. We were less than a year apart and I spent the better part of our childhood following you around, copying you and messing up your stuff. You couldn’t go anywhere without your little sister needing to go. I somehow felt that since we were so close in age it was necessary and appropriate that I go wherever you were going. I realize now that I must have been a complete annoyance to you – I am annoyed just thinking about it. We were so different from one another – you loved Barbie dolls and I loved making mud pies – you loved dresses and I would wear anything EXCEPT dresses – you liked to be clean and pretty and I was always covered in dirt. I have such awesome memories of growing up – and I see now that most of my childhood memories include you – and you were a big part of the reason that my younger years are so full of happiness. As much as I’d like to say that I was an independent kid – I never knew loneliness because I always had you there to keep me company; I never knew sadness because I had you there to cheer me up; I never knew failure because I always had you there to encourage me. You were always there for me no matter what – always my sister – and I thank you for that.
When I first got the news of your death, I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. My heart was so empty and I felt such deep sadness – a sadness that I had never felt before. I never thought that I would have to deal with losing a sister so young; and I wondered how I would respond when people asked me if I had any siblings. I thought about you every moment – I thought about the sunsets you would never see, the raindrops you would never feel on your face, the empty pool that will miss your company and the streets of London that will be without your footsteps. I tirelessly wondered how this happened and how it could have been avoided. I wondered what I could and should have done to help you – and wished so badly that I could go back in time and do things differently. I desperately needed answers where there were none – until I went to London.
My trip to London was a trip of discovery about your life and gave me some hope of closure. I walked into your flat in London not knowing what to expect – fear, sadness, weakness or hopelessness. It was none of those. I walked into your flat and felt comfort. I saw your purse on the table and your shoes by the door and realized that this was the place where you took your last breath. Your purse would no longer go on the train or to the store or to work with you – and your shoes will forever be empty. I walked into your room feeling overwhelmed and just began picking up one thing after another, not sure what to do with any of it. I was simply in awe of your belongings – knowing that everything you left behind was once part of your life. I finally got myself together enough to begin my search through your past. Each moment brought me closer to you – the papers, the books, the pictures and the clothes all brought me more into your world. I even tried on a pair of your shoes and giggled because I had forgotten how big your feet were! I spent a lot of time in your room, learning about my sister, and in a strange way I loved being there.
My time in London was the longest week of my life yet it went by so quickly. I found out so much about all the years I missed when we grew apart after college – years that I would do anything to get back. I found out that you and I actually turned out to be quite similar to one another in our quest for perfection, our desire for knowledge, and our love of simplicity. I wish we would have discovered that long ago. I guess that is the hard lesson in life that none of us quite understand until it is too late – take nothing for granted. I took it for granted that you would always be around – always a phone call, an email, a text message, an IM or a flight away. But now your phone rings to no one, your email goes unanswered and my first flight to you was to gather your belongings. That is my guilt to carry and I will forever wish that I had more memories with you.
My journey toward understanding your decision has helped me realize that I will actually never fully understand. And I also realize that I have to be ok with that. The last couple months of putting all the pieces of your life together have brought me to a state of calmness, although it has taken shock, anger, hopelessness, confusion and sadness to get there. My wishes for you and your life were just that – my wishes, not yours. You had a different plan – a plan that nobody will ever fully comprehend – but we all have to find some comfort in the fact that your pain is gone. I now see that underneath the carefree girl that loved to laugh and dance – you were an extremely sad girl that was dealing with a kind of pain that most of us will never experience and cannot even begin to imagine. I know that you are now truly free – laughing and dancing in a rainbow somewhere. That thought brings a smile to my face. You will forever be my big sister – and because you always worried about me as a kid I wanted to tell you one important thing. Although my healing process will continue for a long time, I want to assure you that your little sister will be just fine. I miss you – and I will miss you every single moment until I see you again someday. Please save me a spot next to you on your dance floor in the sky.
Love Always,
Jen
